Here's the Breakdown

Things That Have Happened Since My Last Posting:
  • I celebrated seven years with my boo-thang.
  • Actually been keeping up with the weight loss.
  • Went to Disney World with the family.
  • Officially became an adult in all senses of the term by turning 26.
  • Got some books signed, by Maureen Corrigan and Katherine Paterson.
And lots of other little things.

Things I Have Planned:
  • An Udemy course. It's supposed to take 6 weeks. Let's see how that goes.
  • I really need to clean my house before my sister visits on Memorial Day weekend.
  • Really really gonna learn French this time around.
  • I really need to start writing again.

Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

I know that the bar is set pretty low for you; 2014 sucked. I mean, there were good parts, don't get me wrong. But when you lose both your grandmothers in one year, it overshadows everything else.

And I was in a rut. Some days, I really just wanted to sleep. All day long. I frankly just didn't give a shit sometimes. And that's hard to deal with, especially when part of you says, "No, I'm good here in my hole."

So, 2015, here's the deal: we get these things accomplished, and I'll consider you successful. Cool? Cool.
  • Write more. Just, however. Write, write, write.
  • Keep up with the damn weight loss. December hit me like a ton of bricks, and I need to lose that weight first. But let's go even more. Let's hit that 140 goal I set a million years ago. At least. I really want to try to lose about a lb. a week though.
  • Find the shovel to get out of that motivation rut. There are so many things I want to do. I can't do them if I never try.
  • Read more. I started off well, but the last 1/4 of the year, I barely read at all. It was horrendous, to be quite honest.
  • Find ways to relax and unwind outside of Redditing for hours on end. Seriously. It's a time-suck.
  • Figure out what I want to really do. I need to find a focus, a passion again.
2014, smell ya later. 2015, let's do this.

Sincerely,
Me

Word Vomit about the Rolling Stone/UVA Article

I never read the Rolling Stone article. I put it off, waiting until I was in the right mind set. By the time I was, Rolling Stone had issued a retraction.

As a frequent visitor to internet forums and reader of article comment sections, I knew what was coming. The I-told-you-so's and crying-wolf's. The blaming of women using rape as the go-to excuse.

Look, it does happen. [Duke Lacrosse, anyone?] But the instances are rare.
And don't get me wrong--Rolling Stone should have done their journalistic due diligence.
But honestly, I really don't blame them for not following up. Asking the wrong questions of the victim could seem like a challenge to their story. That the reporter was blaming her for the situation.

And I understand why UVA seemed like the perfect place to highlight, where a culture of rape would exist.

This is the same community where just in October, we uncovered the remains of Hannah Graham. That lost Alexis Murphy, a high-school senior, in 2013 and whose body has never been found. That has no idea what happened to trans teen Sage [Dashad] Smith in 2012. That lost Yeardley Love, a UVA volleyball player, in 2010 to an abusive relationship that ended in her death. That lost Morgan Harrington back in '09 when she was abducted, raped, and murdered.

This is the same community where I live.

I have run these streets, watching the shadows of every man that crosses my path, making sure he makes no sudden changes. I have driven these streets and dealt with the lack of free parking, because the idea of taking the bus sometimes is too risky. I have mentally prepared my actions, on what I would do if someone attacked me in the 90 seconds it takes to go to the dumpster and back to my apartment. It's odd--there are times here where I feel less safe than when I lived in Baton Rouge, and their murder stats are ...well...high is an understatement.

That's why I understand why Rolling Stone just went with it. Oh, Charlottesville? Lot of crazy shit happening to women there. This doesn't seem far-fetched at all.

What worries me the most is that the retraction is what people will focus on. That if it didn't happen as Jackie said, it doesn't happen at all. It does. And it doesn't just happen in big cities, a la L&O:SVU. It happens in small college towns, like Charlottesville.

The door to talking about campus culture about rape and assault was flung open by the article. Let's not close it. We can still talk, still get the ball rolling.

Stupid Brain, Why Did You Do That?

There are things you learn as you get older, to help you get over rejection/loss/etc.

Don't let people back into your life; don't sit and wallow in self-pity....you get the deal.

I have something to add to that list--do not look on a company's website to see who got the job over you.

I did that this morning for a job I was up for, and it was an all-around bad decision. Mainly because now I feel inadequate compared to this other person. And making myself feel worse is never a good idea.

So, word to the wise: when you get rejected for a job, don't see who got it over you. You're just going to make yourself feel worse.

Call Me a Proton, 'Cause I Be Positive!

...and that's my corny joke for the day.

I've been thinking, though. Most of these posts? Ranting, whining, maybe a bit mopey.

So, I'm going to try to be positive! Think happy thoughts!

  1. I do have *some* good news, but unfortunately, I can't share it here yet (digital paper trail and all). But if you follow me on Instagram/watch my Twitter, you might have an inkling on what it is.
  2. While it's been stressful at work, getting all kinds of new responsibilities and tasks, I should be thankful that 
    1. they trust me enough to pile this onto my plate
    2. I no longer work in retail (thank the LAWD!)
  3. I'm in a good place with my money that the idea of getting a new laptop is imminent. Like, within next week or so imminent. And new gadgets excite me like nobody's business.
  4. I'm getting a video game in this week that I pre-ordered like, 2 months ago. I have *literally* been waiting for this sucker to be brought State-side for ages, so I'm pretty excited
  5. I've been hit with a writing bug lately. I just feel the need to write. And that, to me, is awesome. I've been in a writing rut for a long time now, so the urge itself is nice to have again. 
So, those are some cool things going on with me. Feel free to let me know what's awesome in your life!

PS--I mis-remembered the parts of an atom, so my original title joke was wrong (electron is negative... -_- There might be something to my thought; subconsciously, I'm negative even when trying to be positive...

Why You Gotta Be So Cold?

The title might not give it away, but this post? About the Ice Bucket Challenge.

So, I was *kinda* challenged to do it, as part of a group challenge. I really had to think about it.
Because I'm gonna lay some truth on you--ALS does not rank high on my "Causes I Care About" list. I have a lot of things I'm passionate about changing and making better (gender equality, race equality, general prejudice, Leducation...), and ALS is in there...kind of.

Yes, I know--people suffer when diagnosed with the disease. They become trapped in their own body that they no longer can control. And research is needed.

And yes--this challenge has raised TONS of money for the cause.

The problem I have with it is most people aren't doing it out of a sense of charity--they're doing it out of a sense of "popularity seeking". A trend. Because it's the cool thing to do [pun intentional].

Some are even doing it out of guilt, as if someone will scold them if they don't do it once they've been challenged.

The worst group, in my opinion, are the ones who literally dump an ice bucket over their heads before donating money to a cause (most people are still donating after partaking, but there's still a lot that aren't).

So, I *did* end up donating. But I challenge you to donate to a charity. Period.

If you want to donate to ALS research, that's great!
But are animals more your bag? Awesome! Go help out my friend get training to help rescue animals.
Want to fund creativity? Kickstarter, y'all.
Want to help people in developing countries? Kiva, my friends.

Really want to help med research? GO VOTE FOR PEOPLE THAT SUPPORT INCREASING IT.

Alright, stepping off my soapbox.

Okay, Life, I Get It

I shouldn't take crap for granted.

But really. I know that summer had been fairly uneventful. There was no need to throw every single trick you had, good and bad, at me.

Seriously, though. This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. My poor heart and head can't take it.

(I know this post is the award winner for "vague as hell post of the year", and I apologize for that. But honestly? Don't care. Need to rage a tad.)

Weight a Minute...This Again?

By my oh-so-clever title, you might have guessed that this post is about weight loss.
If you didn't, well...surprise!

So, for about a week now, I've been counting my calories again. And you know how stubborn you can get about not doing something because you know it will be hard?
Yeah, that's counting calories for me.

I know that monitoring my food intake will help with my weight loss. It makes perfect sense logically. It's the not-predictable factors that usually leave me questioning.
And I know my weight loss shouldn't be tied into focusing on the number. But honestly? I need something to track it.

So, last weekend (the holiday weekend) I set a goal of losing about 5 pounds by my beach trip weekend, so to be about 161.5 for Aug 8. I thought that was a feasible goal, allowing upcoming known big meals to be had without hindering me.
After a week? I'm already down to 163.1, leaving me 3.5 weeks to lose 1.6 pounds. Thankfully, I had a stretch goal of 160 in mind when I made the original goal, so we might have to try for that.

It's strange. Even though I should be using this to motivate myself more, that voice in the back of my mind is rearing its ugly head. It says This is just water weight...you're gonna plateau soon...you'll go back up.

The fact that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to losing weight is just indicative of how effective that nasty voice is with me. I'm used to failing when it comes to this.

Which, overall, doesn't make sense. At my largest, I was 215. Now, here I am, 50 whole pounds smaller, and I still can't tell myself that I can do this. Even after I gained 20 of that 50 back, and lost it again.

And trying to explain this mindset to someone who has never had to go through it is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can't explain it.

Dusting Off the Ol' Blogaroo

So, I haven't written a blog post since MawMaw Alice passed away. How appropriate that on the day of her and PawPaw Edward's anniversary do I have the urge to write again.
(Side note: they got married 65 years ago, and celebrated 63 years before he passed away in Aug. of '12.)

A lot of things have happened, and yet it seems like more of the same old, same old.
I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't get a teaching job, and I have one more campus visit lined up for Friday. We'll see on that one--it's farther out, so I would have to live there. And while it's not terribly far, I'm used to living with B now, so it would be trying to not see him everyday anymore.

Work currently is...well, work. There are days when I hit a stride, and I like what I'm doing. And then there are days like yesterday when I remember that I'm really undervalued here by a lot of people.
Basically, I serve more like an admin. assistant. However, I don't know if some of the people here get that. Because of that, I often get loaded up with tons of things with little direction and the expectation that I have the time to do this asap.

Weight loss stuff has been challenging, to say the least. It's always been really hard for me to count calories, so I have been very very bad about doing so. I currently have a weight goal by a certain day (which I will talk about in a bit), so hopefully having an actual deadline rather than an abstract one will help.

In a few weeks, I'll be going to the Outer Banks for the first time, with B and some of our friends. I'm quite excited, because 1) it'll be my first summer beach trip in eons and 2) we haven't been able to all hang out a lot this summer.
Buying the swimsuit was a little challenging, mainly because I hadn't bought one in 7(!) years and I suffered a bit from the sticker shock. But thankfully, I've found one that both makes me feel good about myself and is comfortable to wear.

If y'all are nice, I might grace this blog with a picture-laden post. Maybe.

Ashes to Ashes

So, Friday's quick update was right. My grandmother passed away Saturday afternoon.

The emotions are hitting me in spurts. After my dad's call, I really broke down, even though I was expecting it. And yesterday, I was looking at photos (not the smartest thing I've ever done) and just kind of started to cry.

Brett's been really great with comforting me. It actually worked out pretty much perfectly--he's on his man-strul cycle right now (aka, he's emotional), so he's been very huggy. Just what I need :)

I know she's much happier now. My PawPaw died almost 2 years ago (Aug. 2012), and she was a wreck. They'd been married for 63 years when he went. He was the one to cook and take care of her, because her eyesight wasn't good. And after he was gone, it wasn't the same having people come in to keep her company during the day, or for her daughters to stay at night.

My mind, of course, wants to skim over what's going on right now, so I'm thinking of what happens next. What happens to the house? I want it to stay in the family, but there's no one I can think of who really needs the house. What about all the stuff there? (and there's a shit-ton, I'm telling you) And because I live so far away, will I get anything to remember them by besides my memories? Then I start to feel selfish...

I'm just completely done with thinking about it. Focusing on other things until I get there. I will be immersed in it all then, so trying to relax now.

A Note from the Messenger

I hate bad news. Really don't like talking about it at all; I get flustered and awkward, because I don't know what to say.

Something I hate more? Having to be the bearer of said bad news.

Case in point: the partner of one of my co-workers (boyfriend sounds too juvenile for their situation), he passed away this morning from a heart attack. What makes it worse is the suddenness--he had recently been diagnosed with cancer, and it had metastasized. So she had been preparing for a completely different type of passing and was hit with this.

Anyway, my response to people calling for her is to respond with a "there's been a family emergency", take a message, and see if there's someone else that could handle the situation. Anyway, I said that to one guy, and he, being a decent human being, responded that he hoped everyone was okay.
I really don't know what to say at that point. Not really, but I don't know how much information to give you.

In a weird sort of way, he then says, "I've been working with her for 20 years."

I then asked if he knows the man, and he says he does.

So I have to be the one to tell him. And it sucks.

Then, I got a call from a guy that said he was a doctor who's been treating the guy (verified by the caller ID that listed a local hospital as the source of the call).
How in God's name do I respond to that? Sorry, Doctor, but your patient passed away.

Tried to find her home phone, but she prefers privacy and doesn't have one on file with us. Someone else in the office offered to talk to the doctor and let him know.

I'm just out of sorts this morning. My heart really just feels heavy. Today, I honestly would prefer telemarketers and cold calls, because at least I can detach my emotions from that.

I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face

Yesterday, late afternoon, I got one of the calls I've been waiting for, from the principal of the public school I interviewed with.

It was a call thanking me for my time, but....you get the rest. I didn't get the job.

What was the strangest thing, and what got me thinking, was the lack of sadness about it all. Don't get me wrong, I was bummed about it, for sure, but I was definitely not crying over it.
It's highlighted because this is the same principal who, when he was the middle school principal two years ago, also turned me down for a job. And that day? I cried. I was so upset. It was my first interview, and first rejection for a teaching job. [Disclaimer: this was also the same morning my PawPaw passed away, so I probably cried more than I would have normally. Emotional unstability and all that.]

Since then, however, I've been rejected a fair amount of times. By far, the worst part of it all? Looking someone in the eye as they tell you how you will hear a call from them, or that you can email in so much time to get more information; then never hearing from them again, even after emailing them. At least when I get a form letter from that school district, there's some type of finality. I don't always get that either.

What I'm trying to say is yesterday was almost painless. It was a shoulder shrug, "meh", and move on. To be so used to rejection, it kind of makes me sad. It also surprises me, mainly because for almost all of my life, I've been the emotional one. The person who can't keep it together. The "cry-baby", if you will. I've learned tactics to deal with any teasing about it, such as once, after been called a cry-baby because I was visibly riled up but not crying, I exclaimed at the person, "Do you see tears running down my face? No." Alright response at the time, probably not best if I want to be a more mature adult...

But it's a idea that I've come to terms with. I know when I watch certain things, I will tear up, no matter what. I avoid any videos/articles online that have the tag "This will make you cry!" I save StoryCorps podcasts for times I'm going to be alone for a while, because they often make me a little weepy. And for my more anger-based emotions, I find an outlet. Usually my boyfriend's ears if I'm ranting about some new evidence of stupidity, or relaxing music to calm me (saved for when he's the source of the rage).

So my lack of emotion yesterday was out of character in a way for me. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

And Idiotic Move of the Week Goes To....

So, as part of my duties as receptionist/catch-all/asst. to the Chief of Staff, I am the main one updating all of the company websites (multiple companies under an umbrella company...it's complicated).

Anyway, I've never worked with WordPress so in-depth before, so changing how something looks involves me looking into the HTML (which I only vaguely remembered from my Xanga blog days) and CSS, which I knew nothing of before working here).

Last week was torture, because there were a few times I would try to do something and it wouldn't work. This morning, however, my WP project only took about 20 minutes to format/style how I wanted.

Because I was feeling awesome about it, I bragged a little on Twitter. I should have known better...






I know it sounds bad, forgetting my sister has a degree in graphic design. To be fair, her concentration was in photography, so I always think of it as a degree in photography.

Oh well, at least I figured it out eventually.

Eureka!

The other day during my campus visit/interview at the private school, I was talking with the woman whose job I would be taking. She was super nice, and I kinda wished she wasn't leaving.

Anyway, I mentioned how I was a creative writing major and such back in undergrad, and she asked if I had submitted anything for publication. And, honestly? I haven't. Most of my life has been consumed with just surviving and dealing with the doubt of not being a teacher. So I told her no, and that nothing was good enough for publication. Which, in all honesty, I don't believe anything that I've written yet is.

Her response? "Do it, do it, do it!" Enthusiasm of a child included. (And now you know why I told she was super cool.)

I've been thinking about it since that moment--have I lost the desire to write? I would say to an extent that I have. When I wrote in undergrad, I had others in the same boat as me--all of us were trying, together. There were some people that, immediately, you could tell that writing was not only their passion, but they were really working on their craft. Others...let's just say there were others that made me feel better about my stuff.

And I still get sparks of inspiration. A small nugget of an idea for a story. But I don't write it down, or I do, and don't go any further with it.

That needs to change. It has to change, if I ever want to have a writing career, however small it is.

So, I have a story I'm working on. We'll see how it goes.
The fun part will be after, when it will need revision.

Any volunteers for readers? I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine, so to speak.

Man oh Man Do I Hope that Fortune Cookie was Right

Yesterday I had my campus visit/interview/teaching preview as a nearby private school.

And y'all. It. Was. Amazing.

I talked with so many of the faculty, and I really liked everyone I talked to, and I felt my lesson when great, and the students were receptive and interested, and I felt all the questions I was asked were easy to answer, and I felt so comfortable there.

That was the main thing--I really felt comfortable there.

I hope that I get this position. It would be super awesome. I would love it so much. Y'all, I can't even begin to explain it.

Last week,I mentioned a fortune cookie that said "Your wish is about to come true". And I know that fortune cookies really don't mean anything.
But after some of the luck I've had over the last few years, it would be nice to win one. To get this job I so desperately want.

Winter has Come

Recently, I started reading A Game of Thrones. It took a while for it to hook, but I am now. On page 139 at the moment, and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. 

Last week, I sent The Sister my copy of the Divergent series. She's speeding through. And The Brother talked me into buying some ebooks yesterday to share. It's strange to me still, to see them as a readers. I was the reader in the family, so I'm not completely keen on sharing that title yet. 

Chalkboard Wishes and Coffee Mug Dreams

If you've ever asked me about my career plans for, oh, about a minute, you know that in the long-term, I want to become a teacher.

If you've known me for a while, you know that I've been searching for a teaching job for a really, really long time (passed the two year mark recently). And while that might not seem like a long time in the big scheme of things, it feels more like I've always been searching.

It's been super frustrating. I'm constantly reminded about my lack of a position from people asking about my search (not your fault, you're curious, I know), from seeing friends' post about teaching stuff (also no hard feelings--I teach vicariously through your stories), from going home and seeing the reference and classroom library books I've collected in waiting for that moment.

It's take a long, long time, but I'm content at the moment. My receptionist job keeps me on my toes with plenty to do, and I've learned a lot about technology. But I still hope after every interview for that blessed job offer call, but if it doesn't happen for a while, I'll make do.

The reason this is on my mind at the moment?
  • I interviewed last week at a nearby high school. I don't know how it went. I had interviewed with the principal before, when he was at the middle school two years ago. I wonder why I didn't get the job then, and if that hurts me now.
    But I did what any good LA native would do--when my friend, a graduate of the school, offered to put in a good word with someone there, I did not refuse. Not even once out of politeness.
  • I've also got a campus visit with a local private school next week. It looks like a really nice school, and the commute's not too bad. Plus, since they board, there might be a chance I could have a place to crash during the week and visit on weekends. I'm really nervous-excited, because the visit will involve teaching a lesson too.
  • Today, my fortune cookie at lunch said that my "wish is about to come true." I don't know if it's referring to this wish of a teaching job or not, but fingers crossed!

What's All This? My FAQ

  1. Why are you doing this?

    Well, you could read my intro post...
    Short answer? I like to write.
  2. What are those weird + #'s on your older post titles?

    Well, this blog started as a New Year's Resolution to write 500 words a day. That fell apart after about a month, so I stopped with the numbers. It's my blog, and I'll change the rules if I want to.
  3. Who are you?

    That's me to the right -->
    A link to my Instagram, along with some of my recent postings, and my Goodreads account are also in the doobly-doo to the right. My twitter is @sallem5, though it is protected.