Ashes to Ashes

So, Friday's quick update was right. My grandmother passed away Saturday afternoon.

The emotions are hitting me in spurts. After my dad's call, I really broke down, even though I was expecting it. And yesterday, I was looking at photos (not the smartest thing I've ever done) and just kind of started to cry.

Brett's been really great with comforting me. It actually worked out pretty much perfectly--he's on his man-strul cycle right now (aka, he's emotional), so he's been very huggy. Just what I need :)

I know she's much happier now. My PawPaw died almost 2 years ago (Aug. 2012), and she was a wreck. They'd been married for 63 years when he went. He was the one to cook and take care of her, because her eyesight wasn't good. And after he was gone, it wasn't the same having people come in to keep her company during the day, or for her daughters to stay at night.

My mind, of course, wants to skim over what's going on right now, so I'm thinking of what happens next. What happens to the house? I want it to stay in the family, but there's no one I can think of who really needs the house. What about all the stuff there? (and there's a shit-ton, I'm telling you) And because I live so far away, will I get anything to remember them by besides my memories? Then I start to feel selfish...

I'm just completely done with thinking about it. Focusing on other things until I get there. I will be immersed in it all then, so trying to relax now.

I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face

Yesterday, late afternoon, I got one of the calls I've been waiting for, from the principal of the public school I interviewed with.

It was a call thanking me for my time, but....you get the rest. I didn't get the job.

What was the strangest thing, and what got me thinking, was the lack of sadness about it all. Don't get me wrong, I was bummed about it, for sure, but I was definitely not crying over it.
It's highlighted because this is the same principal who, when he was the middle school principal two years ago, also turned me down for a job. And that day? I cried. I was so upset. It was my first interview, and first rejection for a teaching job. [Disclaimer: this was also the same morning my PawPaw passed away, so I probably cried more than I would have normally. Emotional unstability and all that.]

Since then, however, I've been rejected a fair amount of times. By far, the worst part of it all? Looking someone in the eye as they tell you how you will hear a call from them, or that you can email in so much time to get more information; then never hearing from them again, even after emailing them. At least when I get a form letter from that school district, there's some type of finality. I don't always get that either.

What I'm trying to say is yesterday was almost painless. It was a shoulder shrug, "meh", and move on. To be so used to rejection, it kind of makes me sad. It also surprises me, mainly because for almost all of my life, I've been the emotional one. The person who can't keep it together. The "cry-baby", if you will. I've learned tactics to deal with any teasing about it, such as once, after been called a cry-baby because I was visibly riled up but not crying, I exclaimed at the person, "Do you see tears running down my face? No." Alright response at the time, probably not best if I want to be a more mature adult...

But it's a idea that I've come to terms with. I know when I watch certain things, I will tear up, no matter what. I avoid any videos/articles online that have the tag "This will make you cry!" I save StoryCorps podcasts for times I'm going to be alone for a while, because they often make me a little weepy. And for my more anger-based emotions, I find an outlet. Usually my boyfriend's ears if I'm ranting about some new evidence of stupidity, or relaxing music to calm me (saved for when he's the source of the rage).

So my lack of emotion yesterday was out of character in a way for me. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.