Full Disclosure

While I talked a bit about this in an earlier blog post, I feel that this is the time to fully 'fess up to all of it.

I have narcolepsy.

If you're wondering what narcolepsy is, the definition is "chronic sleep disorder that causes overwhelming daytime drowsiness." Usually, people think of this when they hear the word. And while some people do react, I don't immediately just fall asleep. Not while standing, anyway.
The best way I can explain it? Imagine your Awake vs. Asleep as Sun vs. Moon. I often live life going through a late afternoon, early evening level of awakeness. Some days are harder than others, and I'm almost immediately in nighttime mode, 2 hours after waking up from a full 8 hours of sleep the night before. There are certain triggers that make it harder to stay awake: rain, being comfortable and cozy, not using active focus, or doing things that come naturally. Driving is a really hard one for me.

And telling me to just walk around, get some water, etc. doesn't instantly wake me up. My brain is fighting for sleep every step of the way. And more often than I care to, my brain wins. And it sucks, because I want to do more in my evenings after work than eat, sleep, work-out, sleep. It's frustrating knowing all the amount of time I've slept away due to this.

This diagnosis has been a long time coming. Honestly. If you have taken college courses with me, I'm sure you can vouch for this.  I could go into tons of times it's embarrassed me, or has put me (and really, others, too) in harm's way when I'm driving.

I've come up with methods to cope in the past. Just napping is the easiest, but not most effective, solution. For long drives, I always have something to listen to, or eat sunflower seeds to stay awake, or take lots of gas station stops. More often than not, it's a combination of the ones above. I've told a lie or two, in fits of denial (that cone that knocked off my right side window a few years back wasn't too far in the road; I was starting to nod off behind the wheel and had started to drift right.)

For the last few months, it's been a trial trying to get appointments and get my insurance to okay a sleep study, when come to find out I couldn't afford one right now anyway [anyone got an extra $3000 lying around? I'm only half-joking].

But today, I got a prescription. Today (or rather, tomorrow) I begin taking modafinil. Hopefully, this will work. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of not taking a nap almost every night.

If you have any questions, let me know, and I'll be glad to talk to you about them.

Quanto Somnum Nimis

Lots has happened in the past few months:
  • I got a second job. Still in training, but I'm teaching pre-college test prep for Kaplan.
  • Went to Texas back at the beginning of May to visit the family I used to babysit for. It was nice to just relax.
  • Went to two concerts in the last month, which is something I rarely do. 
The last thing isn't a bad thing, necessarily. It's what the title is referencing; I most likely have narcolepsy.

No, I'm not joking. I literally will fall asleep against my will, and I have done it. A lot.

It's not officially diagnosed yet, but I met with a doctor of sleep medicine on Friday, and he really seems to think I have it. I'll take the official sleep tests in August, so we'll see then.

I'm really optimistic. Why? One, it'll prove that I'm not crazy--I really can't control this sudden urge to sleep. Two, it will help me feel less guilty. I have fallen asleep in places that I really shouldn't (the back of a classroom while mentor-teaching, for one). I really felt shame each time it's happened. Like, why couldn't I just get up and go get water? Did I have that much of a lack of will-power? Three, it will help me in my relationship with the boy. There have been many arguments over me just "being lazy" and napping all day on a weekend. Which, after this consultation, he did apologize for. To be honest, though, it's not his fault for not understanding. It did look like laziness, like giving in to just relaxing. The official diagnosis will help us understand each other a little bit better.

Lastly, it's just make me feel better. I've thought that something was wrong with me for so long. That wanting to sleep so often was indicative of an underlying mental instability. And while that's what it is technically (chemicals that keep us awake versus asleep are quite right in my brain), this explanation tells me, It's okay. You haven't been in control about this for a while, but there are resources and options for you to take that control back. 

That is the most encouraging thing. That the life I want to live might become more of a possibility.