My Own Worst Enemy

It's that old song and dance:

• I start a blog/project and set off on some new idea.
• Life happens, and I get behind a self-imposed deadline.
• I feel discouraged and lame, and the pile of abandoned ideas grows.

I know many have trouble with this. It's really something we don't talk about; I know my own reasons involve shame and self-degredation, always feeling like a failure.

Last weekend, and early into the week, Brett and I were cleaning up the apartment thoroughly. It was time for our yearly inspection, and I wanted to make sure that we presented a good front of stability and neatness. As I sorted through one of my many bookshelves, this one with notebooks, I looked to see how many of them were blank versus how many had an idea or two near the front that had been tossed aside when I hadn't visited it in a while. The answer: more than I care to admit.

If you hadn't guessed, this is all to premise that no, I had not written all the reviews of the books I've read so far. And I currently a little behind on keeping tracking with my goal to read 52 books this year. But now is the time to stand up and dust off the shelves, and getting to reading and writing.

If I'm going to ever stop standing in my own way, I'd better learn that it's okay to not be super on top of everything 100% of the time.

And The Story Continues

If you know me, you already know these few facts. For others, let me get you up to speed:

Since 2009, I've been on a long, arduous journey of losing weight, trying to keep it off, and struggling to get down to what is considered healthy. I understand that while my goal at the moment is to be considered "normal" by BMI standards (something I don't believe I've ever been, to be honest), I also know that BMI isn't inclusive of all factors that affect weight, and that when I reach my visual "I am happy with how I look", it might not be within the normal range, persay. However, I'm digressing.

The point is that I'm an overweight person by physical standards. My mental state still sees me as obese some days, which is something that I know will probably always be there to some extent.

The other major point to this story is my boyfriend of the last 8 years [technically it isn't 8 years yet, but 8 days short. Close enough for me]. When we met, and for the majority of our relationship, he's been a rail, so to speak. Tall and skinny, and losing weight unintentionally. Since I already had self-esteem issues related to my weight, I projected some of that onto our relationship.

Why do I bring this up? Well, one of my things I'm trying to get better at in 2016 is to actually read all the shit I bookmark and note on my Todoist as "To Read Later". One of the articles I bookmarked sometime last year, or maybe even before that, was an article about being in a mixed-weight relationship and how others' expectations for what type of person you "should" date can affect your view of the relationship you're in. 

Don't get me wrong; it's a legit article. And mentally, I do need to work through some issues.

The main thing, and I have to keep reminding myself, is that's not us anymore.

I've lost weight; he's gained some. As of each of our last weigh-ins, respectively, we were less than a pound apart. And for a few days, he actually weighed more than me, which was kind of mind-blowing for my inner fat chick.

Which is where the title comes in. The Boy and I are no longer that trope of "fat chick and skinny guy." And while I'm thankful for our history, I'm really excited about the future that lays ahead--one where we both are trying to be healthier, for each other and ourselves.

Day 11 (+2): And This is Why I Suck

Hi, my name is Samantha, and I have a procrastination problem that affects the rest of my life in horrible ways.
Hi Samantha

So I'm not going to make excuses for not writing this weekend. I just didn't. On Saturday, I told myself I would, after my workout, like I have been. But when you doze off, and don't work out until 12:30 in the morning...yeah, you're not going to write after that.

And yesterday? I vidya gamed for like, 3 hours before I went to bed. I didn't even workout. Which, because my boy is oh so good at being the Jillian Michaels in my life, I'm working out extra today. Ergo, gotta try and catch up for the two days I missed.

I really do let time get away from me. It's my worst habit of all time. And I know it will cause me stress later--either hating on myself, or letting that self-anger out on others, or just becoming a whirlwind of emotions...but I do it anyway.

Why? For starters, I really don't think I have this whole "make good decisions" thing down. Sure, I do something good here and there. But forming habits over time is not my strong suit. And I tell myself, yeah, I'll do it later. But then I don't. And things just settle into the way they were before.

It's why I'm still trying to lose weight, 5 years from starting on my journey. It's why I ended up having to donate my car to charity, because it was too far gone to feasibly get fixed (I'm sure that I could have, but the cost had by then exceeded what I could afford). It's why I often start journals and never finish them.

I suck at forming habits.

I know I'm not alone in this. There are people who make a living helping ne'er-do-wells like myself, who can't seem to get their ducks all in a row.

The sad thing is sometimes, I don't want to change. Even though I know I would be less stressed, and my life would be easier, sometimes I think, Well, I know how to play the 'Woe is me' card. I know this life. It's the "Better the enemy you know than the enemy you don't" sort-of problem.

Which, really, is kinda screwed up, that I would sometimes rather be miserable in the long run than happy.

In a weird way, I think it's misguided appropriation. I assume if I'm happy now, I will be happy later, and I give in to the instant gratification of (more often than not) being a bum. But when I see the over-loaded sink full of dishes, I realized how I picked the wrong decision. Again.

Of course, this causes problems with others, of which my boyfriend bears the brunt of. This weekend, we fought about my being too passive. I had gotten upset for no real reason (seriously), and I just became mopey. I wanted to play a game I have on the desktop, to make myself feel better/forget about the mopey-ness, but I didn't want to intrude on his own downtime by kicking him off [it's his computer, after all]. It got to a point to where we were yelling, and it basically came out that we don't want to bother the other one, or do something that may be seen as an inconvenience--mine being asking him to get off, his being preventing me from playing a game I wanted to.

My first instinct is always, don't rock the boat. If people are content, let them be. And while that's sometimes good advice, it can have the cost of suppressing your own wants and needs.

I often choose the easy way, to not rock the boat. But making a wave is how I grow and learn. Changing is how I get better.

So, I'll try to keep up with my blog better. I might be able to catch up today. Maybe.

At least I'll be working towards doing better.